Summer Sunday

We've had a lovely weekend so far weather wise. Had friends over Friday night to christen the new patio. We've discovered we can now comfortably entertain about 10-15 people out there, as opposed to the 6-8 people that would have maxed out the previous deck.

As we were all hanging around eating crackers and cheese and other sundry snacks, and drinking of course, always drinking, I noticed I was not sitting anywhere near my husband. Pretty much the entire night I was at least five seats away from him. I was also noticing some things (seemingly) for the first time.

His vulgarity, for one. He is a loud entertainer, he can command a group like a stand-up comic would. Once he gets going, everyone is listening. He has a deep voice and he can project it well. I used to love listening to his stories and watching everyone laughing when he got to the punch line. His stories are all true life events from his past, maybe beefed up a little here and there, for more shock value.

Instead of laughing I was cringing inside. I was watching a man who wears a hard shell around himself, to protect something. He is spiky on the outside, boastful and loud and making jokes at others expense. He turns his venom on politicians, and entertainers, and "stupid people", and turns all his anger into a huge bitter joke. Where I used to love to listen to him rant and rave, I am no longer amused, it pains me. I'm seeing through it and around it and I know why he does it. Insecurity, self-loathing, fear of rejection. He clearly hates in others the things he sees in himself that he hates, so he makes fun of it.

I'm angry with him this morning because he's not doing something I think he should be doing. We are in a holding pattern with couples counseling, but I have bought some books to try and help us. It can't hurt to just read in the meantime, while we wait. I've finished one book and asked him to read it too. It's been sitting on the nightstand for four days now, untouched. I can't say how much this hurts me. I'm crying now as I type. Just putting it down "on paper" is making me realize how hurt and angry I am that he won't open it up and read it. I devoured it, read it in three days, important stuff in that book, things that can help us. I can't do this by myself and I feel so alone.

I've ordered two more books that should arrive next week. I'm sure I'll devour those as well, and then hand them off. I'm going to tell him tonight how hurt I am. I'm going to ask him why he won't take any steps to learn something new. It's not enough to make me dinner and take the dog for a walk. We need deep changes inside, both of us. I'm trying to make those changes, I'm ready for them. I'm trying to educate myself so I can learn how to be different, and grow.

I feel like over the past three years I have challenged myself to grow up, and become a better person. I asked Amelie last weekend, what my hubby was like way back when she first met him. She said he's exactly the same, maybe a little mellower, but the same. How can it be that he's exactly the same after 18 years? If someone took me now and myself 18 years ago and stood us side by side there would hardly be a resemblance.

I'm beginning to wonder if I have outgrown this relationship, and if there's any way for us to grow together again. I'm going to discuss it with my therapist this week. I also have some topics in my history I want her to untangle with me for the first time. Some things that we probably should have examined last year when I was seeing her, but I wasn't ready yet. I'm ready now, more than ready. I'm looking forward to it.

Someone suggested "the fixer" for my therapists nickname. I'm considering it.

Finally, a Break

I'm taking a break from my obsession. I didn't work Wednesday and Crush is not working today. I did see him yesterday, at work only, and now I won't have any contact with him until Monday at work again. Unless....he wants to go swimming with me on Sunday, but that is entirely up to him and I will not be inviting him or texting him for any reason this weekend, nor do I expect him to be contacting me for any other reason.

The last two weeks have been Crush-filled. With my birthday, his show, his birthday, we have been in contact way more than usual (outside of work) and so it now ends and I can try to start picking up the pieces of my life here at home without any more distraction. The festivities are over, time to clean up the mess.

Hubby has been amazing. He's been helping around the house quite a bit and Wednesday night he cooked dinner for me again. We've been trying to spend more quality time together, talking and just being together. I just wish it wasn't all happening under duress. I feel like he's doing it because he's afraid I'm going to leave him. It makes me feel like shit. I wanted more from him, and I'm getting it, but only because I had to raise such a huge stink, I had to put a fire under him. All these years my pleas for help had fallen on deaf ears. Turns out a threat works better, but it feels rotten.

My therapist (will someone please help me come up with a nickname for her?) wants to make sure I don't back down from this. She asked me if that was an option, just to go back to the way things were before, put my head back in the sand. I said absolutely not an option. So our other outcomes could be:

a. Hubby and I do the work required to get our marriage back on track. Although I'm not sure right now it has ever been on track. We have tears and pain and misery for a good outcome in some distant future.

or

b. I cut and run.

or

c. We do all the work and then cut and run anyway.

Out of the three options I know that (b.) is not going to happen. I can't simply give up this soon. We're going to have to do the work required of both of us to try and resolve our problems. The big question, and it's big, is if we do the work and still don't feel compatible, then what? I guess that will mean that we tried, and if it still didn't work we can say, "hey, we really tried, so this just isn't meant to be".

We'd better dig into it, and soon. I have a call into another therapist who is out of town until next week. Hopefully they will be able to meet with us this month sometime. Hubby and I both have individual appointments next week with our own therapists. It's just therapy, communication, and reading self-help books all over the place around here.

My stomach is not in knots anymore, my heart is not fluttering out of my chest, but it is slowly breaking apart and each day I'm trying to keep it from completely crumbling. We need the tools to put everything back together, and the clock is ticking. I'm afraid there may be an expiration date, I just don't know when that is.

June Was Better, Now July.

I'm getting ready to flip over the calendar this morning, but first, I have to tally everything up.

In the 30 days of June I drank on 9 occasions. Much less than both April and May (April was 12 and May was a whopping 16).

In the 30 days of June I exercised on 21 of those days. Also much better than April or May (April 11, and May 18).

I like keeping track and looking back on the month in review. I've lost 8 pounds since April, through both exercise and trying to eat less junk. I'd like to lose 8 more by September, but if I don't I don't and I won't beat myself up about it.

I liked Irish Friend of Bill's comment on my last post asking if my husband were to witness my interactions with Crush, how would he feel? Would that make it seem more inappropriate?

I think the answer is easier than you imagine. Thinking back on all kinds of interactions I've had with Crush, private conversations when we are alone, emails and phone calls, and there isn't one single instance that I can think of that went over the line in the flirting department. I flirt with everyone, and have probably had much more verbally inappropriate conversations with my boss than with Crush (and we can blame my boss for that, he's a real saucy pig).

It isn't that kind of interaction. It's very subtle. It isn't anything we're saying to each other specifically, it's reading between the lines of regular conversations. It's a chuckle, a glance, a double entendre, a roll of the eyes, a twirling of hair, a tapping foot.

It's him telling me about his mothers death, or the girl that broke his heart last winter. It's me telling him about painting and how it makes me feel, or telling him about drinking, and how I sometimes struggle.

It's a tap on the shoulder, a quick hug goodbye, a shy smile. It's going swimming together and both walking to the car afterwards like we're floating, high from the endorphins of exercise.

If I send him an email that says, "sorry I'm going to miss your birthday party, I'll be there in spirit, give yourself a big kiss for me". Is that inappropriate? I've never kissed him, and I'm flirting telling him to kiss himself. I don't see anything wrong with that. I don't think hubby would care either.

Now if I said, "sorry I'm going to miss your party, I wish I could be there to fuck your brains out". THAT would be inappropriate!

With that said, I took today off from work because I have to work Friday. I'm off to start my day, my July, and it's going to be a good one.

So Much Therapy

I definitely suffer from wanting everything to be fixed in a day. I am not patient when I am hurting, or see someone else hurting. I want it fixed, now, please. That is the addict in me, wanting it fast.

I saw my therapist today and we talked about this, that, and the other. We talked about my feelings, the "chemical high" one gets from feeling like they are in love. How good it is, and that's why it feels nice to fall in love, that's why people fall in love. It feels wonderful, right?

Which is why I am having a one-sided emotional affair with Crush. It feels good. It's partially real because we do exist and he is a real person with a real life that intersects with my life in several places. It's partially not real because we do not have anything out in the open, we give each other mixed signals because that's what we're supposed to do. We're not actually dating, or courting, or getting to know each other on a deeper level (not lately). I feel like he's reeling me in, and then taking a step back, over and over. Then my therapist (I still need a good name for her) asks me, am I giving mixed signals also?

Of course I am. I flirt with him at the show, and then I offer up Amelie as single, and "do you think she's cute"? I sit next to him sharing a meal and then show him what hubby got me for my birthday (a new cell phone), and then I say, "all the better to text you with my darling". How mixed is that? As mixed as you can get.

The conclusion we came to was that it's OK for me to have the feelings, it's just not OK for me to seek them out or act on them. I cannot help how I feel about this person, this crush. I cannot just turn it off at will. If I could, I would.

That is what I've been so stymied about. I thought I should be able to turn it off if I wanted to, just sheer force of will. I've been feeling like a bad person because I should be committing to marriage counseling and committing to getting this all fixed, fast. I thought the key was me, just turn off these damn feelings I have for Crush and get on with it.

I feel better now knowing it's not as simple as that, and that hopefully as time goes on the feelings will subside, or just be manageable without being dangerous. Because let's be honest, he's not going anywhere, and I have to live with it. Five days a week. I can let go of the guilt I have for having feelings. Guilt is not a feeling that agrees with me.

Keeping My Distance

Last night was Sunday, a night generally reserved for hubby and I to spend some quality time. We usually have dinner together and watch a bit of TV, and go to bed early to read or just talk.

Crush was having a birthday party for himself yesterday, and I didn't go. It was my way of starting some distance. Going to see his show was it, I couldn't invest any more time or emotion into him this weekend. I told him I couldn't go to his party, not once but three times over the previous week. I told him Saturday night in fact. That didn't stop him from including me in group text messages reminding me of the party. I guess he either wasn't listening, or was just hoping I'd change my mind.

From 4:00pm on I was thinking about that party going on, a tenth of a mile North of my home. I knew I was doing the right thing in staying away. I kept wondering if anyone was wondering where I was, if someone was missing me on his birthday.

From 8:00pm until we fell asleep hubby and I cuddled and talked. We had an amazing three hours of communication with each other. Times like that I wonder how much we really need marriage counseling. We can really open up when we want to, we can ask the right questions, we can hear each other.

Even though I was having an amazing connection with my hubby, I was of a split mind. Half of me wanted to be exactly where I was, and the other half wanted to jump out of bed and run the tenth of a mile North to be in a different world.

Is that what crazy feels like?

I get better, and then I get worse.
Yesterday I was feeling so strong and confident. Hubby and I spent some time together working on the fence for the patio. I gave him measurements and he ran up and down the basement stairs cutting pieces of wood for me. I spent almost the whole afternoon not thinking about Crush, not thinking about our marriage problems, just being in the sun with a hammer in my hand, content.

Then I startled myself and remembered I was going to see Crush's band play last night. Late. This was to be our last "date" per my therapist. I couldn't back out, didn't want to either, but I was nervous for no reason.

Hubby did not go with me, but a friend did. I shall call her Amelie. She's an old girlfriend of hubby's from way way back, and they are still friends, and she is a musician herself so it wasn't to hard to convince her to go see a show with me. I was chaperoned, as it were.

Amelie had not met Crush before, and on paper, she's perfect for him. Somehow I think if I get him a girlfriend perhaps that would knock me back a few paces. I made introductions and we went and took seats and left him alone while the first band was playing. He had told me he tries not to socialize too much before a show, because he has to sing, so he saves his voice. I respected that and stayed away from him.

The venue was as cold as a meat locker. I was wearing a flimsy little summer top thinking it would be sweaty-hot in the place, like most rock shows, yes? No. It was freezing!

Good old Amelie. Crush was wearing a leather jacket and I kept bitching about how cold I was. She told me to ask him if he was not going to wear his jacket on stage if I could wear it while they played. Brilliant! Of course he said yes.

So when they got set up and were taking the stage I kept watching him, waiting for that coat. In my head I'm chanting "take it off, take it off". As he finally took it off and looked around for me I jumped out of my seat, ran up to the stage like a fool, and grabbed that jacket like it was a life raft. Amelie laughed her ass off and said I looked like a total groupie. That's fine. I got to wear his jacket for an hour and it fit me like a glove. Even with the jacket I was still freezing.

Now part of me was hoping that his band would suck. If I could be embarrassed for him, or just unimpressed, then that would also knock me back a few paces. But no, they were really good, and he plays guitar, and the concertina, and sings, and I'm not sure but I think every single song was about lost love, and I know he writes them all, and I felt like he was watching me the whole time he was on stage (but with the lights, who knows? It could have been my imagination).

So if I hadn't had a crush on him already, now I most certainly would. And this last "date" has spun me out again worse than before. It's bad enough he is attractive, sensitive, gentle, funny, and kind. He has to be fucking talented too!

Maybe he'll think Amelie is cute, I didn't ask him, but I will.

Strange Coincedence?

I realized something very strange last night, and had to check my dates back in old journal entries to see if it was really true.

On April 11, 2006 I had dinner with my husband and he suggested to me perhaps I should quit my job, because I seemed so unhappy. That was when I had my huge "moment of clarity" and realized I was drinking way too much and needed to stop, to change, to do something. April 11th three years ago changed my life for the better, in a million ways, and was the kick-start to my recovery and enormous growth spurts over the following months and years.

I realized last night that this stupid crush I'm having, my feelings for "Crush", started with a date to watch a basketball game together in my home. The calendar date of that night? April 11, 2009! Once again April 11th has become a starting point for huge upheaval in my life. It's a catalyst for change in some direction, I don't know what direction yet, but something is definitely changing right now. What the hell is up with me and April 11?! Is that not weird? Truly weird?

The changes that are happening right now are clearly just as painful as it was for me to quit drinking three years ago. I'm tense and nervous and scattered. I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything. I burst into tears for seemingly no reason in the shower. But this time, this time, I have tools to cope. I'm an old pro at exploring my feelings now.

What was the first thing I did when I started to realize I had a crises on my hands? I got back in touch with my therapist and got my ass into her office as fast as I could. Then what else did I do? I started researching some books that might help me and my husband. And I read them. And I did any writing exercise in them that seemed relevant.

What else have I done? I'm writing. Not only here, oh no. I'm journaling like a madwoman.

What did I do last evening in my solitude, sitting with my pain? I stayed sober! I ate a good dinner and took my vitamins. I read part of a book on loan from my therapist. I cried. I took a long shower and smeared myself with good smelling lotion afterwards. I meditated, and cried some more. I burned incense. I walked the dog. I got groceries and paid bills. I watched one hour of television, and no more than that. I worked in the yard.

By the time the sun went down and I felt like I could safely go to bed, I was soothed. I was calm. I had taken my churning thoughts and collected them up and put them away for a little bit. I can take them out later for examination. I grabbed a book that is simple brain candy and I read it with the dog in bed with me, with the window open and a fan blowing the summer night air in at me. I slept pretty well. And when hubby came home in the middle of the night we talked just a little bit and held hands as we fell back to sleep.

Today is a beautiful day and my stomach is no longer in knots (for now). My chest is not tight and I am not filled with anxiety (for now). Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was our marriage. It will take longer than a day to pull our marriage apart and put it back together properly, so I need to take it that way, day by day. How do they say it? One day at a time? Yeah, like that.