Better Changes

I think I've made it clear in the past that my husbands snoring made me crazy. Like, I was going to smother-him-with-a-pillow crazy. I was unable to make clear to him how his snoring affected me. I was unable to explain to him that it drove me to tears, extreme anger, and fear. That's right, fear.

Over the past several months with marriage counseling the snoring finally came up as a resentment. I was able to articulate that it's more than just my lost sleep. It's more than an annoyance. It goes much deeper to being concerned about his health and well being. Concern over possible sleep apnea if the snoring goes unchecked. Concern over rapid weight gain, and finally a deep sadness that I could not sleep in the same bed with him. I was feeling a profound loss in having to sleep in a different room from him, away from his noisy breathing.

The snoring was all tied into the problems in our marriage. My drinking made it worse, because I would sleep in my studio if I had been drinking so as not to disturb his sleep. There was the catch. I didn't want to disturb his sleep, but I perceived he didn't give a shit about my sleep since he refused to do anything about the snoring.

He has been getting more exercise, and eating better. The snoring has gotten better. I am awakened only a little bit during the night, and I can ask him to roll over and it stops long enough for me to get back to sleep. I am not drinking to excess, I am not sleeping in my studio. I have not slept in my studio for almost three months now. So here's what we did.

Today, we finally put the futon in my studio back into "couch" position. It had been in "bed" position for well over a year. I had been sleeping in there three to five nights a week for a long, long time. Sometimes the whole night, sometimes half the night. All last Spring and Summer, into this Fall. It was confusing for me to go to bed in one place and move in the middle of the night to wake up in another room. I was tired all the time.

It felt symbolic to me to put it back. I don't need this bed anymore. I have a bed that I share with my spouse. Of course I will still do things in my studio. Paint or sew or write or read. I don't want to have my own home within my home, away, anymore. This futon, it's going to stay a couch now, I swear.